Monday, February 19, 2018

Mental Health

So, I thought I would take some time today and write a post about depression. It is not my favorite subject to talk about but I feel like I have to. A friend of mine in the Hemophilia community recently committed suicide. I was in complete shock when I found out. I think it is important that people feel like they can talk about it. So here I am talking about it.

I was diagnosed with depression in my last year university I was about 22 years old. I found it hard to get out of bed and I stopped wanting to leave my room. Leading up to being diagnosed with depression I had endured years of being in an out of the hospital, thousands of blood transfusions and years in the hospital. So I don't think it was a surprise to doctors and family and friends when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

I think a lot of people with chronic illness experience depression. Its hard being sick on an off, my illness is so unpredictable. I also hate the affect it has on the people who love me. They worry about me and it causes them stress and that causes me so much guilt. I often say I wish I could be sick in a vacuum. I wish I could just go to the hospital by myself come home and sleep it off without Zane having to take time off work, without my dad having to spend all day with my in the hospital and without my family and friends worrying about me.

The other annoying thing about depression is that the best thing to do is eat salads and exercise but when you are depressed all you want to do is eat ice cream and lie in bed. I don't know if the ordeal of having Hemophilia has caused me to be depressed or if they I would of had depression eventually anyway. I do know the two are not complimentary.

I also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Medication, Self care, counselling, and the support of my husband, friends and family has helped me tremendously. If you are reading this and you are depressed, it does get better, there is help out there and I promise the sun will shine again eventually.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Managing Expectations

So, when you have a chronic illness you not only have the joy of dealing with how you feel about your illness, you also have the added bonus of dealing with how other people feel about your illness.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with illness. I think a lot of people in my life have reached a level of desensitization my mother and father for example, I feel like I could call and tell them anything and they would just say oh. I think its a coping mechanism. I use to do that a lot when I was a kid. I would pretend I didn't have a bleed so I could go to a birthday party or go outside and play. That's another thing about having a chronic illness you do a lot of pretending. You pretend you are ok when you aren't because you know people are sick of hearing about how sick you are. You pretend you aren't devastated every time you have to miss work and events over and over again. 
The thing is it might get easier for my family to hear I'm sick but for me its almost like its getting harder. I guess when I was a kid I had more support, if I missed school it didn't matter and I didn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning. Now its just Zane and I and when I get sick I have to call a cleaning lady and the dogs don't get walked as much as they would like and my laundry falls way behind. Having a chronic illness is no picnic. My fear is that I will turn into a grumpy, bitter old lady. I am trying to be grateful and pleasant. Some days are just harder than others. 

Friday, October 13, 2017

Hello from the other side

So, today is Friday. One week from my blood transfusion. I feel awful. My heart rate is 127, my blood pressure is 138/98. I get tired just walking up the stairs. I sleep for abut 12 hours then I nap for a few hours then I lie around all day.
My iron is still low and my Hemoglobin is at 113 it should be 150. Im tired and honestly quite depressed. I hate missing so much work. Every night i walk halfway up the stairs, then I catch my breath on the landing then I waslk up the rest of the way. I lie n bed and pray I'll feel better in the morning but I don't. I also have so much guilt. I feel so bad for the strain I place on Zane. He has to miss work and work twice as hard around the house. I just hate this disease it takes so much out of me

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Friday Night

So, I got some blood work done on Friday because I haven't been feeling well. Turns out my Hemoglobin dropped from 150 to 100 and my iron is low. I called my clinic and they told me to go to the emergency room. Zane and I spent 12 hours in the emergency room. It was discouraging and exhausting.  I saw about 8 different doctors and residents. It took 10 hours to give me 4 units of Octaplasma. They said they would admit me then sent me home at 2 am. The whole thing was a torture test. I have to go back in tomorrow to get blood work and see if my levels have gone down and then the doctor will decide what to do from there. The amount of times I had to correct doctors and explain my disease was ridiculous. Today I am so angry and tired and sad. I am sad that this is our health care system. I am sad that not only am I sick but I have to fight and advocate every time I need treatment. I am sad that I have been sick for 8 weeks and I am still not feeling one bit better. 
I am on my way to bed and I am praying in the morning they will give me some plasma and iron and maybe even some red blood cells. 100 isn't dangerously low for Hemoglobin but it takes forever to get back up on my own. What we think happened is that I have a bowel bleed and I have been slowly bleeding for days and days. I am also sad that we had two thanksgiving dinners to go to this weekend with friends and family and instead I am on bed rest. This illness takes a toll on me and the people I love. 

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Cruel and Usual Punishment

So, Its been six weeks since Ive been having trouble with my gallbladder. Some days Im fine, some days im throwing up. Im sick of being sick. I feel tired and run down and I have a urinary tract infection. Thankfully my job has been so understanding and Ive been managing to work 25 hours a week. I meet with the surgeon about getting my gallbladder removed on October 6. Im looking forward to hearing what he has to say and hopeful that I will feel much better once it is removed. 
I think the problem itself isn't that bad its just the its been dragging on for so long long. Some days I have a lot of pain and it really takes the good out of me. Add in work and my mom being in the hospital I just feel really overwhelmed and tired. 
I have been having tarry stools the last couple of days so tomorrow I am going to see my doctor. Maybe I will feel better after that.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Momma Bear

So, My momma has been in the hospital for 4 weeks today. It been so hard to focus or so much besides worry about her. She has Parkinsons disease and it has been causing so many complications for her over the past 7 years. 
I want to go to Stephenville to see her but about a 6 weeks ago I have a gallstones attack. I am currently waiting for surgery to get my gallbladder removed. I have an appointment with a surgeon on October 6th. So until I get my gallbladder its not a good idea for me to travel anywhere there is no hospital. There is a hospital in Stephenville but they are not equipped to deal with me. 
So I am here in Calgary waiting it out somedays I feel fine some days I am nauseous and in pain. 
I am nervous about the surgery but I am excited to get back to normal. I am sick of being sick!
Thank you so much for reading my blog and keep us in your prayers!

Thursday, March 23, 2017

On and On

So, this is normally the time would I would write and say that I am feeling all better. However, that is not the case. I am still taking antibiotics and I still have lots of blood in my urine.

I am following the doctors orders but am also trying some home remedies. So far I have tried drinking lots of water, cranberry juice, ginger tea, honey, lemon, cinnamon, garlic and ginger. 

Fun fact when you have urinary tract symptoms and have a bleeding disorder do not take cyclokapron.

Hopefully I will post again soon saying that I am back to normal.